Why Won't They Just Listen to Me?
We asked Amanda Semenoff, a certified mediator, to share some conflict resolution tips and tricks with us. Below you will find some helpful tricks about listening - something that is hard to do, but is an important first step in any conflict!
Why Won’t They Just Listen to Me?
By Amanda Semenoff
We’ve all felt this way. We are so frustrated, arguing about something for a few days or weeks, so certain that if the other person would just listen, even for a moment, they would get our point and magically change their mind. If we could just get through to them!
Unfortunately, this isn’t the way life works because while we are so frustrated that they won’t listen to us, they are usually so frustrated that we won’t listen to them. We both talk louder and more emphatically, getting nowhere! So, what do we do instead?
Breathe, then Listen first!
Listening first is really hard. As they lay out their reasons, you are going to want to argue with them, interrupt them, cut them off and correct them. Take a deep breath and another. Then try and make sure you fully understand what their point is.
Try questions like:
Do you mean _______________?
Are you saying ______________?
And if you get the question wrong, they will correct you with more information.
You can clarify some of the broadness to help gain a fuller picture. When we are frustrated or angry we tend to speak in broad generalizations that reflect our feelings, but aren’t so useful for problem solving.
So when you say I’m disrespectful, what am I doing that feels disrespectful to you?
I heard you say its useless, what were you expecting from it that hasn’t happened?
I hear you say we never _________, was there a time when that was different?
When you say she always __________, how often is that happening?
Then you can summarize their position. If you are pretty close they will usually agree that you got it. Understanding and a first agreement is always a useful way to move forward.
At this point you can ask if they want to hear my point of view. Not only do they usually say yes and actually listen to you, but sometimes your point of view has shifted too by listening to them.
Try these steps and see how your arguments shift to conversations.
Take a few deep breaths
Listen first.
Ask questions to check and see if you fully understand their point of view
Spot generalizations and ask questions to get specific.
Summarize your understanding of their view.
Ask for a turn to explain your point of view.
It’s amazing how the situation can change if we can just listen to one another.
Amanda Semenoff is a certified civil mediator, specializing is business, co-founder and tech conflicts. She loves weird, sticky and seemingly unsolvable problems. You can find her online at Mindful Resolution